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Funny quotes page 4

It is no accident that an anagram of "actors" is "scrota".
Alfred Hitchcock

- What do you wear in bed?
- Chanel No. 5.
Marilyn Monroe

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I
don't want to wake you up."
Joan Rivers

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass," and the earth brought forth grass and the
Rastafarians smoked it.
Spike Milligan

- Ah, Mr Wilde, I passed your house this afternoon.
- Thank you so much.
Oscar Wilde

I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"
I said, "Sure, but I don't believe everything I read."
Steven Wright

The voice of love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
P. G. Wodehouse

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.
Fran Lebowitz

Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best beauty aid is still a near-sighted man.
Yoko Ono

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more
interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

One thought-murder a day keeps the psychiatrist away.
Saul Bellow

I don't have a photograph, but you can keep my footprints. They are upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Lottery, n. A tax on people who are bad at math.
Ambrose Bierce

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot!
Chris Rock

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost

Men should be like Kleenex - soft, strong and disposable.
Cher

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.
Jay Leno

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and
run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to
impress people they don't like.
Will Rogers

We bought a Suzuki jeep and the wife turned it over. I said, "How did it happen?" She said,
"There was a pine tree and I went to the left and it swung to the left, I went to the right
and it swung to the right." I said, "It was the air-freshener, you twat."
Roy Chubby Brown

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over - nobody was
home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I don't feel 80. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible, and we had the land. They
said, "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they
had the land.
Desmond Tutu

Charles de Gaulle looks like a female Llama surprised in her bath.
Sir Winston Churchill

- What do you think of modern civilization?
- I think it would be a good idea.
Journalist, Mahatma Gandhi

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
Dan Quayle

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

In real life, Diane Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because
there are tiny people inside it.
Woody Allen

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a
horse?
Jay Leno

If you don't like the news, buy a gun and go out and make your own.
W. C. Fields

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward
to the trip.
Caskie Stinnett

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've
finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry

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