Funny quotes page 4
It is no accident that an anagram of "actors" is "scrota".
- What do you wear in bed?
- Chanel No. 5.
I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I
don't want to wake you up."
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass," and the earth brought forth grass and the
Rastafarians smoked it.
- Ah, Mr Wilde, I passed your house this afternoon.
- Thank you so much.
I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"
I said, "Sure, but I don't believe everything I read."
The voice of love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
P. G. Wodehouse
London: A place you go to get bronchitis.
Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best beauty aid is still a near-sighted man.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more
interested he is in her.
One thought-murder a day keeps the psychiatrist away.
I don't have a photograph, but you can keep my footprints. They are upstairs in my socks.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Lottery, n. A tax on people who are bad at math.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot!
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Men should be like Kleenex - soft, strong and disposable.
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and
run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to
impress people they don't like.
We bought a Suzuki jeep and the wife turned it over. I said, "How did it happen?" She said,
"There was a pine tree and I went to the left and it swung to the left, I went to the right
and it swung to the right." I said, "It was the air-freshener, you twat."
Roy Chubby Brown
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over - nobody was
I don't feel 80. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible, and we had the land. They
said, "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they
had the land.
Charles de Gaulle looks like a female Llama surprised in her bath.
Sir Winston Churchill
- What do you think of modern civilization?
- I think it would be a good idea.
Journalist, Mahatma Gandhi
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
In real life, Diane Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because
there are tiny people inside it.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a
If you don't like the news, buy a gun and go out and make your own.
W. C. Fields
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward
to the trip.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've
finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.