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Funny quotes page 3

- Did you really pose for that calendar with nothing on?
- I had the radio on.
Marilyn Monroe

The word "aerobics" came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're
going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.
Rita Rudner

If at first you don't succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Henry Youngman

There's nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're
interrupting.
Mark Twain

- If I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee.
- If I were your husband, I'd drink it.
Nancy Astor, Sir Winston Churchill

When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
Abraham Lincoln

Probably the difference between man and the monkeys is that the monkeys are merely bored,
while man has boredom plus imagination.
Lin Yutang

I've decided to take up a life of crime, but I can't decide which political party to join.
Roy Cubby Brown

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and
fun to cheat.
Fran Lebowitz

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Frank Sinatra

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far
to walk back.
Franklin P. Jones

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers

Anyway, there is one thing I have learned and that is not to dress uncomfortably, in styles
which hurt: Winklepicker shoes that cripple your feet and tight pants that squash your balls.
Indian clothes are better.
George Harrison

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small
snake.
W. C. Fields

- This deep-fat fryer can flash-fry a buffalo in under 40 seconds.
- 40 seconds? But I want it now!
Homer Simpson

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen
guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't
think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
Bill Hicks

- Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you
go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?
- Surprise me!
Yogi's wife Carmen, Yogi Berra

We've got cards and letters from lots of people that say that iTunes is their favourite app on
windows. It's like giving a glass of ice water to someone in hell.
Steve Jobs

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Sam Levenson

I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories
are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election,
erection! Either way we're screwed!
Bette Midler

It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.
Muhammad Ali

The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays. I want to go to
Tenerife. And she wants to come with me.
Roy Chubby Brown

I'm jewish. I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.
Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford

I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.
Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people
used to go to.
Chris Rock

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

Philip: "Who are you?"
Simon Kelner: "I'm the editor-in-chief of The Independent, Sir."
Philip: "What are you doing here?"
Kelner: "You invited me."
Philip: "Well, you didn't have to come!"
Prince Philip,at a press reception in 2002

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
Ronald Reagan

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
H. L. Mencken

I was the only director who ever made two pictures with Marilyn Monroe. Forget the Oscar,
I deserve the Purple Heart.
Billy Wilder

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Woman is the unfathomable, incalculable mystery, the problem that we men can never hope
to solve.
P. G. Wodehouse

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