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Funny quotes page 2

Tragedy is when I have a hangnail. Comedy is when you accidentally walk into an open sewer
and die.
Mel Brooks

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to
me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles Schulz

I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt.
Britney Spears

See that critic? He used to hate every movie. Then he married a young, big-bosomed woman,
and now he loves every movie.
Woody Allen

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about
new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
George W. Bush

Imagination is intelligence with an erection.
Victor Hugo

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven
now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The Office, 2005

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's
twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Chris Rock

His mouth had the coldly forbidding look of the closed door of a subway express when you
have just missed the train.
P. G. Wodehouse

I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
Joan Rivers

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to
be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is
when you want a raise.
Robert Orben

If you're given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older,
the money will become your sex appeal.
Katharine Hepburn

I like a thin book because it will steady a table; a leather volume because it will strop a razor;
and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.
Mark Twain

I went out on a first date, but I don't think I'll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn't
open the car door. I just swam to the surface.
Emo Philips

Bush says he's being stalked. He says wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally
someone told him, "Psst. That's the Secret Service."
Jay Leno

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Homer Simpson

It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Bob Hope

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher
and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

If you remember the 1960s, you weren't there.
George Harrison

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is share the love. Beep." "Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love."
Andy Rooney

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.
Otto von Bismarck

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you
two!"
Emo Philips

- I'm afraid that after we've been married a while a beautiful girl will come along and you'll
forget all about me.
- Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
Groucho Marx

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

The world can never be considered educated until we spend as much on books as we do on
chewing gum.
Josh Billings

I urge you to study law. A man who never graduated from school might steal from a freight
car. But a man who graduates as a lawyer might steal the whole railroad.
Theodore Roosevelt

My cousin died. He was stung by a wasp - the natural enemy of the tightrope walker.
Emo Philips

But enough of me, let's talk about you. What do you think about me?
Bette Midler

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if
a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
Chris Rock

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Robert Orben

One of the greatest mysteries to me about women is the fact that they can pour hot wax
on their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
Jerry Seinfeld

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