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Evan Esar quotes

1899 - 1995, American humorist

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and
inspiration.
Evan Esar

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with
outer space, and the mother with closet space.
Evan Esar

America believes in education: The average professor earns more money in a year than a
professional athlete earns in a whole week.
Evan Esar

A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.
Evan Esar

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Evan Esar

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.
Evan Esar

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.
Evan Esar

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
Evan Esar

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended.
Evan Esar

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Evan Esar

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.
Evan Esar

Footprints on the sands of time will never be made sitting down.
Evan Esar

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than
if you spoke right out at once.
Evan Esar

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
Evan Esar

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.
Evan Esar

Never trust a woman who tells you her real age - she's liable to tell you the truth about
anything.
Evan Esar

Women are like dog poop. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Evan Esar

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.
Evan Esar

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.
Evan Esar

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in this world that just don't
add up.
Evan Esar

Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
Evan Esar

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you
know what you're talking about.
Evan Esar

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.
Evan Esar

Attic: A place where you keep something for ten yers and then throw it away just two weeks
before you need it.
Evan Esar

Canada's climate is nine months of winter and three months late in the fall.
Evan Esar

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.
Evan Esar

The computer saves man a lot of guesswork, but so does the bikini.
Evan Esar

A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him
when he was alive.
Evan Esar

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.
Evan Esar

Walking isn't a lost art; one must, by some means, get to the garage.
Evan Esar

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it
all over the highway.
Evan Esar

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.
Evan Esar

A man doesn't have vacation problems: His boss tells him when to take them, and his wife
tells him where.
Evan Esar

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Evan Esar

Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it
all away from him.
Evan Esar

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.
Evan Esar

There's one point a husband and wife always agree upon; he thinks nothing is too good for
her, and so does she.
Evan Esar

If there's anything a dentist hates it's a drooping mustache.
Evan Esar

If you have made up your mind that you cannot do it you're absoutely right.
Evan Esar

Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed.
Evan Esar

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
Evan Esar

A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.
Evan Esar

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about its width and
depth.
Evan Esar

Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of
them won't stand up either.
Evan Esar

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
Evan Esar