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Erma Bombeck quotes page 1

1927 - 1996; American humorist and author of over 4,000 newspaper columns

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't
matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck

You know you're a mother when you use your own saliva to clean your child's face, and when
your child throws up, you catch it.
Erma Bombeck

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wears a dress
that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and 30 days later looks like a well-dressed
thermometer.
Erma Bombeck

Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
Erma Bombeck

Next to a hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a
honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.
Erma Bombeck

An advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.
Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Erma Bombeck

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever
gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster
oven.
Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck

To me, golf is something you did with your hands while you talked. Unless you smoked. Then
you never had to leave the clubhouse.
Erma Bombeck

Skiing? I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
Erma Bombeck

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Erma Bombeck

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert
cart.
Erma Bombeck

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself."
Erma Bombeck

My second favourite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top
bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Erma Bombeck

He who laughs... lasts.
Erma Bombeck

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed
all those books belonged to her.
Erma Bombeck

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I
climb out.
Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all
accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck

A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.
Erma Bombeck

Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go
back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same
time were incompatible.
Erma Bombeck

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child.
Then the mother is born.
Erma Bombeck

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three American football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a
white carpet is one of them.
Erma Bombeck

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