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Erma Bombeck quotes page 2

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single
bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
Erma Bombeck

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
Erma Bombeck

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It
takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."
Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Erma Bombeck

Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child-raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop
of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Erma Bombeck

Anything you buy will be in the sale next week.
Erma Bombeck

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are
the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread
are three billion to one.
Erma Bombeck

Housework can kill you if done right.
Erma Bombeck

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter
productivity.
Erma Bombeck

I'm too old for a paper round, too young for social security and too tired for an affair.
Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck

In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
Erma Bombeck

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the
refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
Erma Bombeck

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but
the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the
groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Erma Bombeck

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage,
the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
Erma Bombeck

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