Emo Philips quotes page 1
born February 7, 1956; American stand-up comedian
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently, I owe them 800$. So I sent them a letter back.
said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very
own latest government Pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
My cousin died. He was stung by a wasp - the natural enemy of the tightrope
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky,
there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little
costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful
caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag
on her toes.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I
asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know.
Reelection to the Senate?"
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... Damn anthropologists.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for
second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather, "A truck!"
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked
every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you
wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon..."
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor
face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get
into the corners very well."
I dropped out of science when I was a kid, so I only know two things about science. Water
freezes at 23 degrees Fahrenheit, and if you have two competing theories, you try not to
choose the one that involves a magic spell.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw
this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr Baseball. Because of the stitches.
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew
in a dental appointment.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves
me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a
Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern
Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern
Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I
said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative
Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said,
"Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative
Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day
when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and
saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers,
the sun... that was nice... the sun...
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
I once had dinner in a topless restaurant. I was really looking forward to it, but all the staff
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on
her hand on purpose.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I
don't know. You can't see out the other way."
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this
again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit