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Emo Philips quotes page 2

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and
run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Emo Philips

I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "Put something
on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."
Emo Philips

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather
than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I
realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very
rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I
stabbed him.
Emo Philips

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, "Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need!"
So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.
Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you
two!"
Emo Philips

I lent a friend of mine ten thousand dollars for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he
looks like.
Emo Philips

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my
grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord
doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a
couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips

My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now!
You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"
Emo Philips

I used to have a big gay following, but I ducked down an alley and lost him.
Emo Philips

I went out on a first date, but I don't think I'll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn't
open the car door. I just swam to the surface.
Emo Philips

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left,
I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I
found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips

All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my
convenience. Amen."
Emo Philips

I've learned about women the hard way. Through books.
Emo Philips

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all
excited, and... placing bets.
Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because
they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
Emo Philips

Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.
Emo Philips

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