Ellen DeGeneres quotes page 1
born 26 January 1958, American comedienne and television host
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light.
was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Because you can't rely on other people, for your own ego you need daily affirmations. Some
obvious affirmations are: "I am a good person." or "I love myself" or "I matter." But I think it's
a good idea to start small. You should say things that make you feel good because they are
easy to accomplish. ("I will wake up." "I will brush my teeth.") Don't push yourself. Those can
be very good morning affirmations. I guess, though, if you're really depressed, and it's 8
o'clock at night, "I will wake up" would technically be an evening affirmation.
You can put high heels on a poodle, but that won't make it a hooker.
My friend's dog has a sweater, but he wears it wrapped around his shoulders.
We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists
win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front
of a room full of Jews?
I don't need a baby growing inside of me for nine months, either. For one thing, there's
morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve
that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
My favourite exercise is walking a block and a half to buy fudge. Then I call a cab to get me
home. There's never a need to overdo anything.
- So, what should we call you, gay or lesbian?
- How about Ellen?
You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start grating on your nerves.
"Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious!"
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car
that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and
the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven
now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark
glasses, and have streamers in their antlers because then then you know they were enjoying
themselves at a party when they were shot.
I feel extremely lucky to have my own TV show. Every day I pinch myself because I'm sure I
must be dreaming. Actually, I don't pinch myself. It's one of my manager's jobs to pinch me
and say, "You ain't dreamin', kid!" Then I pinch him, he pinches me back, and it usually ends
up in a slap fight. Sometimes the slap fight lasts until midnight.
I wonder what will happen if I put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space
aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so,
we're in big trouble.
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
Hey, Debbie, this is Ellen. That's a real cute phone message. You sounded just like Elmer
Fudd. Geez, I hope you were trying to sound like Elmer Fudd. If you weren't, I'm terribly
sorry. Thanks for saying that you'd watch my house while I'm gone next week on vacation to
the Luxembourg Soft Cheese and Jazz Festival. I know you said you would water the plants,
bring in the mail and turn some lights on so that it looks like somebody is home. But if it's not
too much of an imposition, could you also make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't
tangled? Otherwise, the baby is just going to get bored. I never knew having a kid was so
much responsibility! Bye bye.
Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge
them by the car they drive?
I have to wear pants. I had both of my legs tattooed all over with designs of bougainvillea.
Now, if I wear a skirt, I am constantly bothered by bees.
We used to have fire drill practice in my house. Everyone had their own special duty. My dad
had to get the pets, my mom took the jewellery, my brother ran to get help. They told me to
save the washer and dryer.
I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to
therapy." And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a
stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's
when I got the idea of touring.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
I don't have a type. It took me this long to narrow it down to a gender.
We always do this: we walk up to an elevator, someone's already there, they're waiting,
they've pushed the button, the button is lit. We walk up and push the button, thinking,
"Obviously you didn't push it correctly. I'll have to push it myself. NOW the elevator will
come." Then someone else walks up and they push the button again. Suddenly you're
offended. You want to say, "You idiot, I pushed it, he pushed it." Then, to the original
pusher, "Can you believe people?"
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get
you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all
those things! I'm alive!"
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people
the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina
and the colada.
When I'm on a plane, I can never get my seat to recline more than a couple of centimetres,
but the guy in front of me - his seat comes back far enough for me to do dental work on him.