Dylan Moran quotes
born November 3, 1971; Irish stand-up comedian, actor and
It's horrible looking. Like some kind of deep sea fish that ate its own arse. What's
on down there? Why can't it be something nice like, say, a kitten's head? You could tickle its
chin till it got sick - that would be alright.
Dylan Moran, on male genitalia
Men are far more romantic than women. Men are the ones who'll say: "I've found somebody.
She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I can't carry on. If I'm not with her I'll
end up in a bedsit, I'll be an alcoholic." And that's how women feel about shoes.
It turns you into two people: One of you's very nice, you'll go up to complete strangers and
say, "Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed." And then
you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, "Get the fuck out of my
house! Go on, get out! And leave a tip!"
Dylan Moran, on whiskey
It's like the really bad flatmate of the world. "Oh gee, sorry, did I break all your stuff? I didn't
know it was yours. I'll replace it next week."
Dylan Moran, on America
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a
doctor working at an incubator.
Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world
where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat
Nobody has the time. You come in from work and, if you're getting very adventurous, you
think "Tonight we will eat something that has two colours in it." But you don't. You end up
eating bread from the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread.
Dylan Moran, on cooking
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway,
it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.
Dylan Moran, to a heckler
When you say to a child, "It's bedtime," what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark.
For hours. I'm locking the door now.
It's not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what
if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!
It would take at least three of me to defend myself against a third of one of them even if they
only attacked me with their arse.
Dylan Moran, on skinheads
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies, "Aw, isn't that lovely."
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks, "Daddy, are these organic?"
If you're a young male, you live in a sexual tyranny anyway. You could be in a car crash,
lying in a ditch, thinking, "What is the erotic twist of this situation?"