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Dylan Moran quotes

born November 3, 1971; Irish stand-up comedian, actor and filmmaker

It's horrible looking. Like some kind of deep sea fish that ate its own arse. What's going
on down there? Why can't it be something nice like, say, a kitten's head? You could tickle its
chin till it got sick - that would be alright.
Dylan Moran, on male genitalia

Men are far more romantic than women. Men are the ones who'll say: "I've found somebody.
She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I can't carry on. If I'm not with her I'll
end up in a bedsit, I'll be an alcoholic." And that's how women feel about shoes.
Dylan Moran

It turns you into two people: One of you's very nice, you'll go up to complete strangers and
say, "Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed." And then
you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, "Get the fuck out of my
house! Go on, get out! And leave a tip!"
Dylan Moran, on whiskey

It's like the really bad flatmate of the world. "Oh gee, sorry, did I break all your stuff? I didn't
know it was yours. I'll replace it next week."
Dylan Moran, on America

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a
doctor working at an incubator.
Dylan Moran

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world
where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat
Dylan Moran

Nobody has the time. You come in from work and, if you're getting very adventurous, you
think "Tonight we will eat something that has two colours in it." But you don't. You end up
eating bread from the bag, dipping it in anything runnier than bread.
Dylan Moran, on cooking

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
Dylan Moran

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway,
it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.
Dylan Moran

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.
Dylan Moran, to a heckler

When you say to a child, "It's bedtime," what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark.
For hours. I'm locking the door now.
Dylan Moran

It's not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other
Dylan Moran

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit
Dylan Moran

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what
if I crash into a lake? Then I'm fucked!
Dylan Moran

It would take at least three of me to defend myself against a third of one of them even if they 
only attacked me with their arse.
Dylan Moran, on skinheads

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies, "Aw, isn't that lovely."
Dylan Moran 

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks, "Daddy, are these organic?"
Dylan Moran

If you're a young male, you live in a sexual tyranny anyway. You could be in a car crash,
lying in a ditch, thinking, "What is the erotic twist of this situation?"
Dylan Moran