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Doctor quotes page 2

The Westerners go to see a doctor only when they are sick, and do not see him when they
are well.
Lin Yutang

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, "I've got a doctor with
me 24 hours a day." Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
David Letterman

I said to my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
Rodney Dangerfield

We must all educate ourselves to the reality of the horrors taking place. Doctors today know
that unborn children can feel a touch within the womb and that they respond to pain.
Ronald Reagan

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone
rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
Henry Youngman

Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be
called dentists.
Ann Landers

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.
Joan Rivers

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller

The doctor who rides in a chair will not visit the house of the poor.
Chinese proverb

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral
fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
Douglas Adams

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the
drill.
Johnny Carson

One thought-murder a day keeps the psychiatrist away.
Saul Bellow

Many doctors - death accomplished.
Czech proverb

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise.
Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is
your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
Henry Youngman

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He have her a
lobotomy.
Joan Rivers

Death defies the doctor.
Scottish proverb

Old joke: A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." And the doctor
says, "Then don't do that!" That's the key to "getting a life." Stop doing the things that hurt
you.
Larry Winget

Eat leeks in March, garlic in May, all the rest of the year the doctors may play.
English proverb

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't
feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
Tommy Cooper

He's a fool that makes a doctor his heir.
Benjamin Franklin

I'm not unmindful of a man's seeming need for faith; I'm for anything that gets you through
the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniels. But to me religion is a deeply
personal thing in which man and God go it alone together, without the witch doctor in the
middle.
Frank Sinatra

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
Henry Youngman

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Homer Simpson

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
Isaac Asimov

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Henry Youngman

Nonsmokers - this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.
You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke
cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? And you know what
doctors say? "Shit, if only you smoked - we'd have the technology to help you." It's you
people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me,
man: oxygen tent, iron lung.
Bill Hicks

Don't let yourself be operated upon by a doctor with a shaking hand.
Mexican proverb

In high school, Frank (Sinatra) never participated in extra-curricular activities, like nature
study, paintings or ceramics. Frank's hobby was a most interesting one: he was an amateur
gynecologist.
Dean Martin

If "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor
away.
Gary Chapman

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10
doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno

I thought I had PMS, but my doctor said, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news
is, you don't have PMS. The bad news is, you're a bitch."
Rhonda Bates

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
Ronnie Shakes

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