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David Letterman quotes

born 12 April 194, American television host

I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast.
Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
David Letterman

It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun
against the back of my neck.
David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy
wind?
David Letterman

Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
David Letterman

Today, the LA Times accuse Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you,
this guy is presidential material.
David Letterman

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce
Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a
cardinal.
David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you
shouldn't make a sudden move.
David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has
sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future
nuclear secrets.
David Letterman

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
David Letterman

Labour Day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying
products made in China.
David Letterman

They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the
trees.
David Letterman

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
David Letterman

The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking
babies.
David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news – they may have a nuclear
bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
David Letterman

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to
have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
David Letterman

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me -
I don't have a lifestyle.
David Letterman

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still
hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio, the other guy took the engine.
David Letterman

It's so cold in New York City. Today in Central Park, I saw a squirrel salting his nuts.
David Letterman

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a
beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad
news is Iraq is ours.
David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some jokes just
write themselves.
David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't
know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
David Letterman

Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.
David Letterman

A newspaper has come out with a new survey. Apparently, three out of four people make up
75 per cent of the population.
David Letterman

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
David Letterman

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and
that's just in the hot-dogs.
David Letterman

Marlon Brando has lost 83 pounds. It was about time he lost weight - he was being followed
by poachers.
David Letterman

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
David Letterman

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that
have been licked by strangers.
David Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, "I've got a doctor with
me 24 hours a day." Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
David Letterman

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts: Konsult Kardiologist.
David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby
daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
David Letterman