Dave Barry quotes page 1

born July 3, 1947; American author and columnist, winner of the Pulitzer Price

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've
finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot
see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can,
using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way
to make water, a vital ingredient for beer.
Dave Barry

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident, it makes you wonder about
history.
Dave Barry

When you're in New York City, always keep your money and other valuables in a safe place,
such as Switzerland.
Dave Barry

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together
and - regardless of their political or cultural differences - accuse each other of cheating.
Dave Barry

Nowadays I reserve my sexual activities for special occasions such as the installation of a
new pope.
Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing.
This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that
the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry

To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to
women are 1 - why men are all disgusting pigs and 2 - how to attract men.
Dave Barry

The metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the
increasing popularity of the nine-millimetre bullet.
Dave Barry

The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine,
who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still
in effect today, states that:
1. Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this
hemisphere.
2. But we are.
3. Ha-ha-ha.
Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf has always been hitting the ball.
Dave Barry

Men: You know how, when your wife can't open a pickle jar, she gives it to you, and you're
supposed to smile in a manly patronizing way as you effortlessly twist it open? That's not
what happens in our house. What happens is, after a grim struggle lasting several minutes, I
wind up lying on the kitchen floor, exhausted and whimpering, while the pickle jar, unopened,
laughs and flirts boldly with my wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie.
Dave Barry

Americans would rather live next to a pervert heroin addict communist pornographer than a
person with an unkempt lawn.
Dave Barry

A woman knows everything about her children. Ske knows about dental appointments and
football games and best friends and favourite foods and romances and secret fears and hopes
and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in
winter.
Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and 
never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry

Ants are tiny creatures with a primitive brain no larger than that of a psychic-hotline caller.
Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you
that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry

Deep down inside, men are biological creatures, like jellyfish or trees, only less likely to clean
the bathroom.
Dave Barry

Miami loves to party. We party to celebrate when something good happens, such as winning
the World Series, which we do, like clockwork, every six years. When something bad happens,
we party to cheer ourselves up. When nothing is happening, we party because we are bored.
If Fidel ever dies, Miami will not regain consciousness for decades.
Dave Barry

Organizational structures can be found throughout nature. Monkeys form troops, birds form
flocks, fish form schools, intestinal parasites form law firms.
Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes,
in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need
should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "Cigarettes Contain Fat."
Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always
telling you to keep your knees bent?
Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to
wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
Dave Barry

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