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Dave Barry quotes page 3

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them
cute and furry.
Dave Barry

No matter what kind of music you ask them to play, your wedding band will play it in such a
way that it sounds like "New York, New York."
Dave Barry

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain
in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large
group of professionals built the Titanic.
Dave Barry

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned,
there is no need to involve your brain.
Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building
a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular
skiing is lethal enough.
Dave Barry

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago
in January, only more intelligent.
Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads,
whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
Dave Barry

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a
giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are
especially urgent, are often continued into the next yard.
Dave Barry

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
Daylight Saving Time.
Dave Barry

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that
when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole
point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring
at the outside of the tent.
Dave Barry

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Dave Barry

But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But
when I thought about what this would mean - sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with
unhealthy food - I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.
Dave Barry

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a
solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Dave Barry

Mexican food is delicious and perfectly safe so long as you are careful never to get any of it
in your digestive tract.
Dave Barry

Reading - a vacation for the mind.
Dave Barry

To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And
remember that, even though income taxes can be a "pain in the neck," the folks at the IRS
are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.
Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-
average drivers.
Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dave Barry

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Dave Barry

Motto of the US airline industry: "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an
Hour."
Dave Barry

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or
touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it,
without necessarily fixing anything.
Dave Barry

"Aria" is Italian for "a song that will not end in your lifetime."
Dave Barry

Benjamin Franklin proved an important scientific point, which is that electricity originates
inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the earth by golfers. After
entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power
companies and burned in big ovens called "generators," turns back into electricity, which is
sent in the form of "volts" (also known as watts, or rpm for short), through special wires with
birds sitting on them to consumers' homes, where it is transformed by TV sets into
commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus
completing what is known as a "circuit."
Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.
Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of
words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against the prevailing
winds, for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry

The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with
short haircuts and tiny brains.
Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry

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