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Dave Barry quotes page 2

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow
that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to
anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word:
versions.
Dave Barry

One thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have
older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
Dave Barry

How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal
trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer
darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice
cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most
celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics;
this is how we stay objective.
Dave Barry

Perhaps you are thinking: "But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I
don't have that kind of money." Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit
cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: "Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card
company?" Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Dave Barry

I believe that lobsters are the result of a terrible genetic accident involving nuclear radiation
and cockroaches.
Dave Barry

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking
with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how
hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if
he or she turns out to be your spouse.
Dave Barry

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
Dave Barry

The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a
Japanese family.
Dave Barry

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
Dave Barry

Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would
be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, "I
may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that."
Dave Barry

You can tell an attorney by all the books of equal height on his shelf.
Dave Barry

A bellperson carries my luggage - one small gym-style bag, and I tip him $2, which he takes
as if I am handing him a jar of warm sputum.
Dave Barry

A penny saved is worthless.
Dave Barry

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear
of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

A homeless musician is one without a girlfriend.
Dave Barry

Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet
French meal for a Labrador Retriever.
Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another 
person's plate.
Dave Barry

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and
again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Dave Barry

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.
Dave Barry

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty
not to go to jail.
Dave Barry

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in
a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at
this knowledge.
Dave Barry

The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she
looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.
Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will
choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's
pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Dave Barry

The sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Holy Roman Empire.
Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should
- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry

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