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Chuck Norris jokes and facts page 1

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only
seconds away from death.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris swears he didn't sleep with your wife. Yes, it is strange that your children show
an affinity for Texas justice and beard cultivation. No, Chuck Norris does not know why your
wife can only climax when you a wear a karate uniform.

Chuck Norris has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Obama said, "Yes, we can," he really meant, "Yes, we can, as long as Chuck Norris says it's all right."

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris just pissed your pants.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris made Ellen DeGeneres straight.

Chuck Norris invented water.

The reason we haven't found Osama bin Laden is because Chuck Norris found him first.

Chuck Norris is the reason why bad things happen to good people.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass - at night!

Chuck Norris is, therefore I am afraid.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that
case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris had to give up drinking when gas went over three dollars a gallon.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris is so American, he can eat tyranny and shit apple pie.

Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

When Alexander Graham Bell made the first phone call, all he heard on the other end was
Chuck Norris's heavy breathing.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes orange juice.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the
dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Chuck Norris knows more than ten thousand ways to molest a panda.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can only donate his left kidney because the right one was replaced with a hand
grenade in 1972.

When Chuck Norris gets pulled over, he lets the cop off with a warning.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the
back tire.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Jesus follows Chuck Norris on Twitter.

Chuck Norris fucked your wife while you were out of town on a business trip. Tough shit.

Tiger Woods is Chuck Norris' 3rd, 7th, and 14th mistress.

Chuck Norris doesn't climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on top of them.

Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone just by rubbing it against his beard.

Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company field
tested it but it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris's PC will crash.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris invented babies because he got tired of eating the same old thing.

Chuck Norris can create enough wind power with one roundhouse kick to power Sri Lanka for
40 days.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth
and then won the lottery.

Chuck Norris does not have a seat on the UN Security Council - he has a couch.

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