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Chuck Norris jokes page 5

Chuck Norris has good reasons to believe that Mary was, in fact, not a virgin.

Love means Chuck Norris never has to say he's sorry.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them all in the
face because he already knows the joke isn't going to be funny enough.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once ripped a man in half just to see what he had for dinner.

Chuck Norris eats his birthday cake without blowing out the candles.

Chuck Norris once got in a fight with Lance Armstrong over who had more more testicles.
Chuck Norris won by three.

Chuck Norris can travel through time by running at 88 miles an hour.

Chuck Norris's driver's license photo looks amazing.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the
garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick
cash. He retired later that day.

Charles Darwin based his "survival of the fittest" theory on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris fought Gandhi in the very first Ultimate Fighting Championship and won in less
than ten seconds by crushing Gandhi's rib cage with a single punch. Later, officials questioned
the validity of the match, as it took place in Gandhi's home while he was asleep.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Chuck Norris had no costars on the set of Walker, Texas Ranger. He played every role, even
the hot chick.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and me. His have a small black ring
around them. This signifies that they are black belts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of
viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

When Google can't find something, they Norris it.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck
Norris goes killing.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris was born with two umbilical cords, one red and one blue. The bomb squad cut
the wrong one.

Chuck Norris eats babies and shits Delta Force team members.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law" and "Order" are trademarked names for his
left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.

God said let there be light. Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

The Black-Eyed Peas were simply known as The Peas until they crossed Chuck Norris.

As a child, Chuck Norris enjoyed long walks on the beach, particularly Iwo Jima and

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with, "It's not me, it's you."

"High tide" and "low tide" actually refer to the times when Chuck Norris gets in and out of the

Chuck Norris invented the measurement the "yard", as it was much easier to say than, "Hi,
my name is Chuck Norris and my dick is three feet long."

The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.

There are only two types of women: Those who want to sleep with Chuck Norris, and those
who want to sleep with Chuck Norris again.

Chuck Norris is just like Spider-Man, only instead of being bit by a radioactive spider, Chuck
was bitten by a radioactive god.

Chuck Norris whistles in German.

In the time it took you to read this sentence, Chuck Norris destroyed four thousand acres of

Chuck Norris has three birthdays a year.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in Sidekicks is because
nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object.

Chuck Norris only allows Jackie Chan to live because he likes Chris Tucker movies.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he
wants out of them.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Every exit in Chuck Norris's office is an emergency exit.

Even Switzerland supports Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris's pickup does thirty miles per gallon of blood.

Chuck Norris was the Jewish Humanitarian of the Year.

In 2013 Chuck Norris will launch his own fragrance, Dojo Mojo, which smells of denim and justice.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

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