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Chuck Norris jokes page 2

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth, looked down, and then said, "Holy
shit, is that Chuck Norris?"

Kill one man and you are murderer; kill millions and you are a conqueror; kill them all and you
are Chuck Norris.

Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.

Merriam-Webster prints a custom dictionary for Chuck Norris that doesn't have the word
"remorse" in it.

Chuck Norris describes his politics as "somewhere to the right of Hitler."

Chuck Norris has Braille on his boots so that even blind people will know what's coming.

The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk.

Chuck Norris once brought a man back to life twice and killed him three times because the
man had the audacity to die before Chuck Norris was finished killing him.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to

For a small fee, Chuck Norris will kill your family pet and then blame it on the Jews.

Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris actually died a while back. Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.

Chuck Norris eats coal and shits diamonds.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a
hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris's last option is violence. It is also his only option.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law that states that Chuck Norris
couldn't beat your wife with anything smaller than his thumb.

Windows Vista runs just fine on Chuck Norris's computer.

When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Chuck Norris was just
an actor.

The truth will set you free. Chuck Norris will set you on fire.

Chuck Norris puts the fist in pacifist.

ome sideshow performers can look at a person and tell them their birthday. Chuck Norris can
look at a person and tell them when they will die.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex because they
are doing the same thing.

In his will, Chuck Norris demands that he must perform his own autopsy.

Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd - no one fools Chuck Norris.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris irons his shirts while he's still wearing them.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

One a year, the National Undertaker's Union holds a party in honor of Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris. After 5 days of extreme pain the snake died.

Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ.
However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can
only inflict it.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps until he tells the sun to get up.

Chuck Norris can put a quarter in his ass and then shit out a dime and two nickels. There is a
five-cent charge.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

If at first you don't succeed, you obviously aren't Chuck Norris.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris's email adress is

A recent poll discovered 93 percent of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A related
poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100 percent of the time during sex.

Chuck Norris won a staring contest with Medusa.

Chuck Norris smokes only the finest Cuban cigar rollers.

Chuck Norris can stare you down with his back turned.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of
Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only
undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris
3. Cancer.

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