Chris Rock quotes
born February 7, 1965, American actor, screenwriter and
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer
is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the
three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
There are only three things women need in life: Food, water, and compliments.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's
twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have
an excuse - but right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot!
The only time a white person can say ni***a is if it's Christmas Eve between 4:30 and 4:49
am, and you're on your way to get your kid the last Transformer doll and right before you
walk in, some black person pushes you, smacks you in the head, riverdances on your head,
takes your money, pisses on you and runs away; if you're white you can say,
"somebody stop that ni***a!"
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people
used to go to.
If O.J. wasn't famous, he'd been in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be
O.J. He'd be Orenthal, the bus-driving murderer.
We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't
allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f***ing lactose intolerance?
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if
a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the
If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies… a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman
lie is like, "It's your baby!"
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money,
jump out a f**king window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas
in my plane!"
Women would rule the world – if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.
George W. Bush has f***ed up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to
run for President!
People are like, "Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra... anything but
another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!"
You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat the buffet? How the f**k could you eat
on a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you that hungry? Motherf***er, go to Mickey D's or
some shit! Not even Rwandan refugees won't eat that shit! At a damn strip club! Tities and
Tater Tots don't mix!
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a
demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"
Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.
You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to
hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit! There's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of
stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.
Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be
into. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crackhead,
you better be a crackhead. Otherwise it just won't work.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white
guys falling out of them.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like
Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope
Chris Rock, hosting the Academy Awards
All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy
on American soil. That's it! That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from
France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?
So you gotta look at OJ's situation. He's paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got another man
driving around in his car and f***ing his wife in a house he's still paying the mortgage on.
Now I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I understand.
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns?" Congressional hearing. "Oh, my
God, that nigger said "gun", and he rhymed it with "fun!"
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did
I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you f***ed up.
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay
son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling
"sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching
about how bad their people got it: Nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone
needs to calm the f**k down.
Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.