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Bob Monkhouse quotes

1 June 1928 – 29 December 2003, English comedian

When the doctor broke the news that I had cancer, I said, "Tell me straight, Doc, how long
do I have?" He said, "Ten..." I said, "Ten what? Years, months, weeks?" He said, "9, 8, 7..."
Bob Monkhouse

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and
screaming like the passengers in his car.
Bob Monkhouse

I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn't easy because your best prospects
never answered.
Bob Monkhouse

I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Bob Monkhouse

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you've got VD, in which case penicillin's probably a
better bet.
Bob Monkhouse

They say such lovely things about people at their funerals, it's a shame I'm going to miss
mine by just a few days.
Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
Bob Monkhouse

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be
any different from this one?
Bob Monkhouse

What do gardeners do when they retire?
Bob Monkhouse

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian... well, they're not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
Bob Monkhouse

No one watched it, not even the cameramen.
Bob Monkhouse, about his first TV appearance

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.
Bob Monkhouse

My doctor once said to me, "Do you think I'm here for the good of your health?"
Bob Monkhouse

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take
enough toilet paper next time.
Bob Monkhouse

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.
Bob Monkhouse

How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was
the people who voted him in?
Bob Monkhouse

I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.
Bob Monkhouse

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
Bob Monkhouse

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic
bag would keep me fresh.
Bob Monkhouse

The Royal Shakespeare Company once did Julius Caesar in New York. When Caesar was
stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.
Bob Monkhouse

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
Bob Monkhouse

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
Bob Monkhouse

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
Bob Monkhouse

What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.
Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said, "Why?" and she said,
"Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
Bob Monkhouse

A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to the
canaries."
Bob Monkhouse