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Bob Hope quotes

1903 - 2003, American comedian and actor

It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Bob Hope

I don't feel 80. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great
occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.
Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
Bob Hope

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.
Bob Hope

When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off
the piano.
Bob Hope

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.
Bob Hope

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.
Bob Hope

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal.
He's always had an agent do that.
Bob Hope

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage he shot both his
parents and moved in.
Bob Hope

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go
on TV to complain about their lack of support?
Bob Hope

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
Bob Hope

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Bob Hope

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
Bob Hope

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is
the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
Bob Hope

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.
Bob Hope

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope

I thought about it. But my wife said she wouldn't want to move into a smaller house.
Bob Hope, on running for President of the United States

Oscar night at my house is known as Passover.
Bob Hope

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something
bearable, even hopeful.
Bob Hope

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned how to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope

Phyllis Diller has a laugh like an old Chevrolet starting up on a below-freezing morning.
Bob Hope

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk,
an aardvark...
Bob Hope

Where would I like my ashes scattered? I don't know. Surprise me.
Bob Hope

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
Bob Hope

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
Bob Hope

Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an
intermission.
Bob Hope

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to
protect his buns.
Bob Hope

It's hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you're putting.
Bob Hope, on Dwight D. Eisenhower

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.
Bob Hope

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come
to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
Bob Hope

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the
presidency.
Bob Hope

Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country
on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.
Bob Hope

I've been chased by women before but never while I was awake.
Bob Hope

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope

He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.
Bob Hope, on Harry Truman

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.
Bob Hope

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
Bob Hope

I don't like all this fresh air. I'm from Los Angeles. I don't trust any air I can't see.
Bob Hope