Bill Hicks quotes page 1
1961 - 1994, American stand-up comedian, satirist
I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know
that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate
Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by
telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit… left chocolate eggs in the night.
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's
real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round
and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun,
for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question:
"Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back
to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we
kill those people.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen
guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't
think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one
wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking
and screaming into the White House.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me
while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour, which means, like flying saucers, I too have been
appearing in small Southern towns in front of handfuls of hilbillies lately and, uh, been
doubting my own existence.
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high,
you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the
fucking effort. There is a difference.
Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks - you really think when Jesus comes back,
he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
I had a vision of a way we could have no enemies ever again, if you're interested in this.
Anybody interested in hearing this? It's kind of an interesting theory, and all we have to do is
make one decisive act and we can rid the world of all our enemies at once. Here's what we
do: You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense every year? Trillions
of dollars. Instead, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world, which
it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded... not one... we could as one
race explore inner and outer space together in peace, forever.
Don't put pot in the drug category. It's an herb, man. Like tea. Not only do I think pot should
be legalized, I think it should be mandatory... That'd be a nice world. Mellow, hungry, quiet,
fucked up people everywhere.
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty
fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel
about guns - whoo! I'm gettin' a stiffy! 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no
connection, and you'd be a fool and a communist to make one. There's no connection between
having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone...
OK, though admittedly last year in England they had 23,000 deaths per soccer game.
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love
letters and wedding fucking proposals... and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And
I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?
To me, pornography is, you know, spending all your money and not educating the people in
America, but spending it instead on weapons. That's pornographic to me.
What's cool is every pack has a different Surgeon General's warning. Isn't that great? Mine
say: "Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." Fuck it! Ha ha ha! Found
my brand. Just don't get the ones that say "lung cancer."
Remember summer vacation with your folks? Does anybody get the concept behind that? We
did not get along together in a five-bedroom house. Dad's idea was to put all of us in a car -
and drive through the desert at the hottest time of the year. Pffft! Good call Dad! Let's
confront our tensions!
My dad: "Bill, do you have to say the F-word in your act, son? Bob Hope doesn't need to use
the F-word in his act." "Yeah, well, dad, guess what. Bob Hope doesn't play the shit-holes I
play, all right? You put him in some of these joints, he'll have Emmanuel Lewis and Phyllis Diller
69ing as his closer - just to get out of there alive!"
Boy, I love talkin' about the Kennedy Assassination, man. That's my favorite topic. You know
why?... Because for me it's a great archetypal example of how the totalitarian government
who rules this planet partitions out information in such a way that we, the masses, are
forced to base our conclusions on erroneous... Oh, I'm sorry, wrong meeting. I thought this
was the meeting, uh... at the docks, no? Oh, shit. That's tomorrow night.
I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of those non-smokers.
They say if you stop smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, why
would I want my sense of smell back?
That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all
you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.
People say, "Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world." Yeah, well, maybe, but,
you know what? After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay?
The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our
airports. So, who is the bigger threat?