Bill Hicks quotes page 2
Nonsmokers - this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.
You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke
cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? And you know what
doctors say? "Shit, if only you smoked - we'd have the technology to help you." It's you
people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me,
man: oxygen tent, iron lung.
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic
policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the
I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not
proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress
walks over to me: "Hey, whatcha readin' for?" Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've
ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped
me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the
main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress.
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you
can't make a profit off it, would it?
There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: caffeine from Monday
to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol
from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.
You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story.
You've all seen it: "Today a young man on acid… thought he could fly… jumped out of a
building… what a tragedy!" What a dick. He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn't
he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don't see geese lined up to catch
elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He's an idiot. He's dead. Good! We
lost a moron? Fucking celebrate! There's one less moron in the world.
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick
people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of
those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the fuck?
Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.
People say the dumbest things, too: "Hey, you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell
back." I live in New York City. I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.
Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing
us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant.
We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs.
You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.
You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really unevolved? Eyes real
close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks
like he rushed it.
I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fucking bastard.
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war,
those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons, incredible weapons."
"How do you know that?" "Uh, well… we looked at the receipts. But as soon as that check
clears, we're goin' in. What time's the bank open? Eight? We're going in at nine. We're going in
for God and country and democracy and here's a fetus and he's a Hitler. Whatever you fucking
need, let's go. Get motivated behind this, let's go!"
I'm not what you'd call a heavy smoker. I only get through two lighters a day.
I don't approve of flag-burning. I don't wanna burn a flag, but if somebody wants to burn a
flag, what business is it of mine? Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag? Is it?
No. No, it's not. Is it my business what other people read or watch on TV? No, it's not! Thank
you! You see, when you talk these things out they come a little clearer, don't they? They do.
That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve and get on the fuckin' spaceships and get outta
here! Let's go!
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what
happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love
everything." Yeah. Now, if that isn't a hazard to our country… how are we gonna keep
building nuclear weapons, you know what I mean? What's gonna happen to the arms industry
when we realize that we're all one?