Ambrose Bierce quotes page 1
1842 - 1913, American journalist and satirist
Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Ambrose Bierce
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce
Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Ambrose Bierce
Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Ambrose Bierce
Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
Ambrose Bierce
Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough
to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and
intimate when he is rich or famous.
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Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
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Democracy, n. Four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Ambrose Bierce
Consul, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the
people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
Ambrose Bierce
Pray, v. To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner
confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce
You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian... but it probably helps.
Ambrose Bierce
Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed.
Ambrose Bierce
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and
incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Ambrose Bierce
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of
understanding.
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Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to
trace his own.
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Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in
need of food and lodging.
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Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.
Ambrose Bierce
Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that
goeth before a sprawl.
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Lottery, n. A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Belladonna, n. In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.
Ambrose Bierce
Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else.
It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the
most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.
Ambrose Bierce
Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
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Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
Ambrose Bierce
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A
total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from
inactivity in the affairs of others.
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Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.
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Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.
Ambrose Bierce
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the
Unknowable.
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Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
Ambrose Bierce
A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
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Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great
multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
Ambrose Bierce
Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
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Divorce, n. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
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A lawyer is the larval stage of a politician.
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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as
gambling.
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Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to
where it is futile to go.
Ambrose Bierce
Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
Ambrose Bierce
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